Oh, Frank
by Madam Foogie
Summary: A humorus look at Frank Burns' love life....(you CAN e-mail me. OOpz!)


Oh, Frank  
By Madam Foogie  
Authors note: This is my first Completed Fanfic so bear with me. I don't own any of these characters and I am making absolutely no profit from this so please don't sue me. These are my ideas so don't steal them. Also, don't E-mail me. I have my reasons. Sorry it's so short. Enjoy!   
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Margaret's tent door closed a little louder than it should have. Frank looked to his left, then to his right. 'No one saw!' he thought. He silently jogged across the compound and crept into his quarters.   
"How was your date with Margaret?" Captain Pierce asked from his cot.   
'How had he found out?' he thought.   
"What the Major and I do is none of your business!" he responded. He plopped down on his cot and picked up his pad. "Dear Louise, I am wr-" his pencil broke. "Oh nerts!" he shouted as he threw down his pad.   
"Anything wrong Frank?" Hunnicut asked.   
"None of your beeswax!" Frank snapped.   
"Aw, come on Frank." Pierce whined.   
"Not on your nellie!" he responded. He paused. "Well...." he said.   
"Yes Frank?" Hunnicut asked as he leaned forward.   
"Let's say there was this guy. And he had this girl. But he had this other who he loved plus she had a lot of money, but the first girl was really fun and nice.... and they had a lot in common. But she wanted to get married and he was already married to the other girl. What would this guy do?" Frank asked quickly.   
"Trouble in paradise?" Hunnicut asked.   
"Obviously." Pierce responded. "Frank, you know your gonna have to choose sooner or later. Who do you like more?" he asked.   
"Oh, well-" he caught on. "Hey! This isn't about me! I don't fool around! I'll always be faithful to my Louise!" Frank yelled.   
"Frank, people get suspicious when you give Major Houlihan a daily physical." Hunnicut said.   
"And nightly." Pierce added.   
"I just asked a simple question! You have no right to criticize me you, you simps!" he shouted. He swept out the door.   
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The Mess tent was crowded with enlisted personal. He wished the Officers had their own Mess. He stepped into the chow line.   
"Today's menu is Army surprise with shi- uh, Spam on toast." The server said.   
"Oh never mind." Frank said as he handed his empty tray back to the Private.   
"Major Burns?" A familiar voice asked.   
He turned to see Margaret sitting alone at a table. He hurried over and sat down next to her.   
"Well?" she asked.   
"Well what?" He asked acting confused.   
"Yes or no, Frank." She responded with a hint of irritation in her voice.   
"I haven't decided yet." He said quickly.   
"Frank, I can't wait forever." she said impatiently.   
"It's a very hard decision to make." he said sheepishly.   
"Frank, it's her or me!" she growled.   
"Lower your voice, Honey bun." he whispered.   
"Either divorce your wife or you can just forget out little midnight romps!" she shouted and huffed out the door.   
Everyone stared at him.   
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Frank was upset. He didn't know what to do. He loved Louise, but Margaret...Margaret was special. He decided to go see Father Mulcahy. He knocked on the door.   
"Come in." Father said.   
He did so.   
"Oh, hello Major Burns." he said. "Have a seat."   
He unfolded a chair and sat in it.   
"Father, I need advice. I've been unfaithful to my wife. I won't say whom, but my Mistress wants to get married. I'm not sure I should leave Louise." He said.   
Father straightened up. "My son, the Christian thing to do is to stay with Louise and forget Margaret. But it is your decision and only you can make the correct choice." he said.   
"That's all?" Frank asked, disappointed.   
"Yes." Father responded.   
"Well, thanks an- Hey! I didn't say anything about Margaret! How dare you make such an accusation!" he shouted and marched out the door.   
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Frank stepped into his tent. Pierce was pouring himself a drink from that dirty still and Hunnicut was reading his letter from home again.   
"Hi Frank." Pierce said.   
"Oh, I've heard that before." Frank responded. He flopped down on his cot and soon fell asleep.   
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Louise stood in front of him. Her face was stern and hard. He eyes glared from behind her thick glasses. Her hair was tied up into a tight bun and her clothes hung loosely so he could not see her contours. She slowly lifted her left hand where she clutched several dollar bills. Then she lifted her right hand where she clutched a ball and chain. Then mysteriously he was bound up by rope. He tried to squirm but he could not move. He heard the hollow clicking of high heels and Margaret appeared. She was voluptuous. She wore the Hollywood nightie he had bought for her. Her hair hung down to her shoulders and sparkled in the dim light. She smiled suggestively and beckoned him with her finger. But he was still bound by the rope. A look of anger and disappointment crept over her face. She pulled off the whip that was strapped to her side. She struck him with it. Again and again. Faster. Faster. Faster still. Again, faster. Even faster. Faster. It was striking him so fast now it resembled the beat of chopper blades.   
Then he heard the dreaded words, "Attention all personnel, incoming wounded!" He felt his arm being shaken and Pierce saying, "Come on Frank, we can't start the party without you!"   
He awoke.   
"I was having the strangest dream." He said.   
"I bet." Hunnicut said sarcastically.   
They ran out the door.   
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The wounded wasn't very bad. He didn't have to work on the enemy, luckily. But while he was sewing up a mans bowel he decided what to do. He took off his scrubs and ran to Margaret's tent. He burst into her quarters. No one was there. He rushed out. He spotted Corporal O'Reilly walking across the compound.   
"Corporal, have you seen Major Houlihan?" he asked.   
"She's using the phone, sir." he said.   
"Really? Who's she talking to?" he asked.   
"Someone named Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott." he said.   
Frank rushed over to Radar's quarters. Margaret smiled and said goodbye to whomever she was talking to.   
"Margaret, I have the best news!" he said.   
"Me too!" she said. "I've met the greatest man! He's so strong and burly and handsome! I can't wait until you get to meet him!" she gushed.   
Frank was stunned. "Oh. Well, never mind." he said sadly. He slowly walked back to his tent. He flopped down on his cot and picked up his pad.   
Dear Louise,   
I'm just writing to tell you I love you very much and I will always be faithful to you and only you. One woman is enough for me.   
Love, Frank   
The End  
  
  



End file.
